June 30, 2022

Supreme Court Rules That The Purge Begins At Midnight Tonight

Catching nearly the entire country off guard, the Supreme Court has issued a ruling this morning declaring that the Purge — a day during which all crimes are legal, including murder — will begin at midnight tonight and last until the following midnight 24 hours later.

In what would be a stunning break from precedent, there's no indication that the ruling stems from any case that was brought before the court, and is instead a spontaneous blanket ruling affecting every jurisdiction in the United States.

"This court has been on an absolute roll," Justice Samuel Alito said in a hastily arranged press conference outside of the Supreme Court Building, another stark break from traditional practice.

"We were about to wrap up the session, and we all — well, most of us — we decided to have one last vote," Alito continued. "With the week we just had, the court was really feeling our mojo."

After drastically scaling back abortion rights, removing moderate limits on firearms, dismantling the regulatory structure of the government, and ruling in favor of prayer at public school, it didn't seem as if the court could upend American life any more than they already had.

"The Purge just seemed like the next logical step," said Justice Alito. "There was no good reason to wait until the next session, or next year or whatever. We thought, let's just do it now.

"The truth is, this has been in the works for a while. It seemed like the right time. We saw our shot, and we took it."



Supreme Court Rules Your Favorite Kind of Pizza Not the Real Kind of Pizza

In a stunning 6-3 decision, the Supreme Court ruled on Thursday that your favorite kind of pizza, the kind that you grew up with and that you've always known to be the one true kind of pizza, is not actually the real kind of pizza.

"There are many foods which are commonly called 'pizza' that are in many ways fundamentally different from what pizza is supposed to be," wrote Justice Neil Gorsuch, representing the majority opinion.

"However, anybody that has any practical understanding of pizza knows that your favorite kind of pizza is not really pizza," Gorsuch continued.

"It might be delicious, and those of us that know better won't even be upset if you continue to call it 'pizza,' but it must be universally acknowledged that it's not real pizza."

The court was most concerned with your favorite kind of pizza's implementation of ingredients.

According to the majority, the crust is the wrong thickness, and the sauce and cheese are added in the completely wrong proportions.

The minority on the court disagreed vehemently.

"We like our pizza the way it is," wrote Justice Elena Kagan in her dissenting opinion."The crust is exactly the thickness it's supposed to be, and it is the only real kind of pizza.

"Yet today this court recognizes a clear imposter as the one true kind of pizza. Not only is it made improperly, it doesn't even look like what pizza is supposed to look like, and the manner in which you have to eat it is also totally wrong."


June 13, 2022

"We Can Barely Afford to Feed Our Families," Says Richest Nation in World History With 20% Childhood Obesity Rate, as Inflation Soars

As prices on everyday household goods continue to skyrocket across the country, Americans, citizens of the richest nation in world history, which also happens to suffer from a 20% childhood obesity rate, are having trouble providing for the basic needs of their families.

Inflation has hit children the hardest. 

With their insatiable appetite for cookies, brownies, cakes, lollipops, sugary cereals, chocolate bars, those tiny little chocolate-chip muffins, donuts, cotton candy, and other treats, keeping them fed is more costly than ever.

"It's impossible to keep up," said Jen Elsworth, Lavina Avenue resident and mother of four. 

"There's always some new candy or something coming out," she continued. "Or, like, regular food with chocolate in it or something. Stuff like that is really popular right now."

Unfortunately, it seems like there's no help on the horizon for parents like Ms. Elsworth.

"There's just no money available in the country to help working people trying to put food on the table," said economics expert Dickey Bloads, referring to the United States of America, the wealthiest nation in the world.

For Americans trying to get by in the new economic landscape, the best they can do, it seems, is to try their best to stretch every dollar of their food budget.

"I'm buying a lot more off-brand ice cream nowadays," Ms. Elsworth said. "A few gallons per week really adds up.

"But sometimes we have to make sacrifices, and that can end up helping the country be a better place," she continued, referring to America, where the number of billionaires has exploded in just the last few years.



January 31, 2022

Free-Thinking American Spends Her Weekends Watching Advertisements Race Against Each Other

A free-thinking American woman, who never lets anyone tell her what to do or what to believe, spends several hours every weekend watching giant advertisements race around in circles to win a prize that has no real-world meaning for her or anyone she knows.

The advertisements are largely for businesses that the American woman with an independent mind visits often, or for products and brands that she has chosen to surround herself with in her life and home.

Her choice to do so was, of course, the result of her using the knowledge and wisdom that she's gained from thoroughly vetting all information that comes her way, and was in no way affected by a relentless marketing onslaught for corporate consumer products.

As of press time, the "maverick thinker," as her friends often call her, could not be reached for comment until she returned from her trip to Target, then the Shell station for gas, and then the Burger King drive-through for lunch because they "have the best fries."



January 30, 2022

"America is the Greatest Country in the World," Area Dad Says with Straight Face

With apparently no irony whatsoever, an area dad recently referred to the United States of America as "the greatest country in the world." 

According to witnesses, no reason for the supposed greatness was given, and the subject was promptly dropped.