June 30, 2022

Supreme Court Rules That The Purge Begins At Midnight Tonight

Catching nearly the entire country off guard, the Supreme Court has issued a ruling this morning declaring that the Purge — a day during which all crimes are legal, including murder — will begin at midnight tonight and last until the following midnight 24 hours later.

In what would be a stunning break from precedent, there's no indication that the ruling stems from any case that was brought before the court, and is instead a spontaneous blanket ruling affecting every jurisdiction in the United States.

"This court has been on an absolute roll," Justice Samuel Alito said in a hastily arranged press conference outside of the Supreme Court Building, another stark break from traditional practice.

"We were about to wrap up the session, and we all — well, most of us — we decided to have one last vote," Alito continued. "With the week we just had, the court was really feeling our mojo."

After drastically scaling back abortion rights, removing moderate limits on firearms, dismantling the regulatory structure of the government, and ruling in favor of prayer at public school, it didn't seem as if the court could upend American life any more than they already had.

"The Purge just seemed like the next logical step," said Justice Alito. "There was no good reason to wait until the next session, or next year or whatever. We thought, let's just do it now.

"The truth is, this has been in the works for a while. It seemed like the right time. We saw our shot, and we took it."