June 30, 2022

Supreme Court Rules Your Favorite Kind of Pizza Not the Real Kind of Pizza

In a stunning 6-3 decision, the Supreme Court ruled on Thursday that your favorite kind of pizza, the kind that you grew up with and that you've always known to be the one true kind of pizza, is not actually the real kind of pizza.

"There are many foods which are commonly called 'pizza' that are in many ways fundamentally different from what pizza is supposed to be," wrote Justice Neil Gorsuch, representing the majority opinion.

"However, anybody that has any practical understanding of pizza knows that your favorite kind of pizza is not really pizza," Gorsuch continued.

"It might be delicious, and those of us that know better won't even be upset if you continue to call it 'pizza,' but it must be universally acknowledged that it's not real pizza."

The court was most concerned with your favorite kind of pizza's implementation of ingredients.

According to the majority, the crust is the wrong thickness, and the sauce and cheese are added in the completely wrong proportions.

The minority on the court disagreed vehemently.

"We like our pizza the way it is," wrote Justice Elena Kagan in her dissenting opinion."The crust is exactly the thickness it's supposed to be, and it is the only real kind of pizza.

"Yet today this court recognizes a clear imposter as the one true kind of pizza. Not only is it made improperly, it doesn't even look like what pizza is supposed to look like, and the manner in which you have to eat it is also totally wrong."