SPOKANE, WA — Citing a lack of meaningful connection and overwhelming technical glitches, local grandson Mick Tillerman navigated layers of digital red tape to cancel his subscription to GrannyGPT, an online service that provides an AI-powered version of loved ones, mere minutes before his 7-day free trial expired.

“At first it felt like talking to my real grandma,” said Tillerman of the digital avatar of his paternal grandmother, Granny T. “It looked like her, and sounded like her, and even knew some of her old recipes.”

Within days, however, Tillerman says that some details seemed off. “I was pretty sure that she doesn’t put mayonnaise in her sweet potato pie, and her story about the time Uncle Ben tore down the neighbor’s bird feeders in a drunken rage missed a lot of important details,” he said. “But mostly it was just racist in all the wrong ways. I could tell it wasn’t her.”

Tillerman said the experience wasn’t all bad, but that the cost of $19.99 a month was hard to justify if he had to pay it himself. “Maybe if it was free,” he said. “Or I could put it on Granny T’s Visa. She probably wouldn’t care. I’ll ask next time I see her.”

WASHINGTON — Highlighting the potential for health risks and negative metabolic consequences, HHS Secretary Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. urged all Americans to allow their victims encased in silk-like cocoons to completely liquify before consuming the life-giving nutrients inside.

“The cocooning phase is about more than just preservation,” Kennedy said at a White House press conference. “It’s an external digestion process vital to breaking down soft tissues into drinkable nourishment.”

Kennedy stressed to the nation that it’s a misconception that cocooned victims are no longer alive while trapped inside the large, silky sacks molded around their victims’ body.

“Just because your envenomated prey has been subdued and confined within a digestive pouch hanging from the ceiling in your garage doesn’t mean that they’ve expired,” Kennedy said. “That’s why it’s so important to administer enzymes at the proper intervals. Immobilizing [victims] and confining them in an air-tight environment just isn’t enough.”

Kennedy concluded the press conference by emphasizing that once cocooned victims have been fully consumed, the dried husks are still perfectly good, and instead of being discarded, should be left at drop-off kiosks coming soon to communities around the nation.