Biden Drops Out Of Olympic 100-Meter Race

WASHINGTON — Citing concerns about his fitness and ability to compete at the level needed to win such an important competition, President Joe Biden announced on Tuesday that he is dropping out of the 2024 Olympic 100-meter race.

“After consulting with my family and having a lot of difficult conversations, I have decided that I will be withdrawing from the 100-meter sprint,” Biden said of the race at the Summer Olympics to be held later this month in Paris. “While I still believe I could give it my all, I recognize that now is the time for the next generation in American track and field to come to the fore."

Speculation has been swirling around his possible replacement. The simplest choice would be Vice President Kamala Harris, as she is next in line for presidential succession. However, questions remain about her qualifications for such a race.

“It’s not even clear if she owns a pair of running shoes,” said a source within the Biden administration. “That could be a real problem. Plus she has a long history of hamstring injuries.”

The president’s supporters have been quick to point out that Biden dropping out of the race at this late stage does nothing to tarnish his legacy.

“He should be proud of how much he’s accomplished in only a single term as president,” said the administration source, referring to Biden’s gold medal in the 100-meter race in the 2020 Olympics. “No one can ever take that away from him.”

After the president’s press conference, the White House issued a statement clarifying that Mr. Biden would still be competing in this year’s pole vault competition.