Supreme Court Rules Future Rulings To Be Made By Winner Of Annual Arm-Wrestling Tournament

WASHINGTON — The Supreme Court ruled on Monday, by a 5-4 margin, that going forward, all cases will be decided by the justice who wins the annual Supreme Court Arm-Wrestling Tournament, held at the end of May.

“To keep the republic, sometimes you’ve got to fight for it,” Justice Samuel Alito wrote in the majority opinion. “Or, in this case, engage in a battle of physical strength with your fellow members of the highest court in the land.”

The skeptics on the court argued that brute force was no way to maintain a democracy. In his dissenting opinion, Justice Brett Kavanaugh wrote that “this ruling disproportionately favors justices with upper body strength, potentially skewing future decisions, and totally minimizing lower-body training.”

Justice Sonia Sotomayor agreed. “What is even the point of all those squats I’ve been doing?” she said.

With next year’s contest almost a year away, the current justices have time to hone their training routines. Early betting markets have Justice Elena Kagan as the odds-on favorite, as she has won three out of the last four Tournaments.