"We Can't Afford Groceries" Pleads Richest Nation In World History With 20% Childhood Obesity Rate

DAYTON, OH — With prices on everyday household goods continuing to skyrocket across the country, Americans, citizens of the richest nation in world history which suffers from a 20% childhood obesity rate, are having trouble providing for the basic nutritional needs of their families.

Inflation has hit parents the hardest. With their insatiable appetite for cookies, brownies, cakes, lollipops, sugary cereals, chocolate bars, those tiny little chocolate-chip muffins, donuts, cotton candy, and other treats, keeping children fed is more costly than ever.

"It's impossible to keep up," said Jen Elsworth, Lavina Avenue resident and mother of four. 

"There's always some new candy or something coming out," she continued. "Or, like, regular food with chocolate in it or something. Stuff like that is really popular right now."

Unfortunately, it seems like there's no help on the horizon for parents like Ms. Elsworth.

"There's just no money available in the country to help working people trying to put food on the table," said economics expert Dickey Bloads, referring to the United States of America, the wealthiest nation in the world.

For Americans trying to get by in the new economic landscape, the best they can do, it seems, is to try their best to stretch every dollar of their food budget.

"I'm buying a lot more off-brand ice cream nowadays," Ms. Elsworth said. "A few gallons per week really adds up.

"But sometimes we have to make sacrifices, and that can end up helping the country be a better place," she continued, referring to America, where the number of billionaires has exploded in just the last few years.