November 22, 2011

Apartment 3ers Looking Forward to Trampling Fellow Shoppers to Death on Black Friday

FOR MOST APARTMENT 3ERS, BLACK FRIDAY IS THE ONLY DAY OF THE YEAR THAT THEY ARE ABLE TO BE A PART OF AN ANGRY MOB.


Jen Sally-Wag, a teacher and longtime Apartment 3er, has been taking advantage of Black Friday sales since she was a child.

“My mother and I used to get up hours before dawn,” she said. “It’s the only way to take advantage of all the hottest deals. And to make sure you’ve got a good spot in the mob for when it’s time to trample people to death.”

Black Friday, the day after Thanksgiving, is the traditional beginning of the Christmas shopping season. The term is believed to have originated in the 60’s, and it gained a wide popularity in the 70’s and 80’s.

As retailers began to notice the success of their post-Thanksgiving sales, many began to open as early as 4 A.M. to give the earliest of birds access to the best sales.

By the end of the last decade, Black Friday had become a cultural phenomenon. Some stores began opening their doors to massive and oftentimes unruly crowds, leading to scuffles over merchandise, and stampedes that trample dozens of people to death per year.

“For a shopper, it’s the best day of the year,” continued Ms. Sally-Wag.

Even in tough times, and perhaps because of them, Black Friday sales can still draw large crowds.

“Things are tight right now,” said unemployed janitor Scarpino Smith. “The only way to get presents for all my illegitimate children is to take advantage of all the Black Friday bargains.

“And it’s also the one time of the year that it’s okay to stampede through a big-box retailer without any regard for the safety of people around me,” Mr. Smith said. “It’s a lot of fun, and it doesn’t cost anything.”

While the prospect of increased sales is enticing, some businesses choose to keep their doors closed on Black Friday.

“It’s nice for the staff to have that extra time with their families,” said Jen Grinspan, owner of Grinspan’s Bar & Grill, which will remain closed until late Friday night.

“We could probably have a pretty good lunch crowd [on Black Friday] with all the shoppers, but my employees, and frankly myself, like to have that day to get the shopping season kicked off right,” continued Ms. Grinspan.

“Once you’ve trampled your first senior citizen to death in a mob driven mad by commerce, you have to keep coming back for more.”