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Hegseth Releases Damning Report On Pentagon's Total Lack Of Babes

Trump Declares Wartime Powers Over ABC Daytime Programming

Hegseth Calls Emergency Tupperware Party

Trump: UN Headquarters Only Has Scratchy Kind Of Toilet Paper

[REDACTED] Charlie Kirk [REDACTED], [REDACTED] Free Speech [REDACTED]

Stephen Miller Figures He Only 2-3 War Crimes Away From Earning Respect Of High School Classmates

Apple Tries To Sell World On ‘iPhone’ Concept One Last Time Before Giving Up

Senate Committee Asks RFK Jr. To Remove Leeches Prior To Testimony

Trump Orders Pentagon Change Into Easier To Remember Shape

Ghislaine Maxwell Transferred To Minimum-Security Bottomless Pit

Trump Directs Smithsonian To Celebrate Advancements In Human Trafficking Since Slavery Era

TSA To Require All Human Remains Fit In Single Rolled-Up Carpet

ESPN, NFL Reach Landmark Agreement To Never Acknowledge Utter Pointlessness Of Professional Sports

Study: Word For ‘Thighs’ Is Weird In Every Language

Trump Awards Ghislaine Maxwell Presidential Medal Of Silence

FAA: Commercial Air Travel Still Safer Than Getting Shot From Cannon

Trump Wonders If Anybody Else Can Hear Disembodied Voice Of Jeffrey Epstein Coming From Nearby Closet

ICE Agents Storm To Front Of Cronut Line

DOJ Warns Trump That Epstein Files Include Over 500 References To “Weird-Shaped Penis”

Groggy Hegseth Can’t Remember Where He Parked Aircraft Carrier Last Night

Disappointed Trump Thought Military Parade Would Be Kind With Giant Inflatable Garfield

Nation’s Executives Announce Updated Work-From-Yacht Policy

Poll: Majority Of Americans Disapprove Of Majority Of Americans

Supreme Court Rules All This Probably Illegal

AI-Powered Toilet Considering AI-Powered Self Harm

Late-Rising ICE Agent Opts For Face Mask In Place Of Morning Makeup Routine

Phallic Imagery Coincidental

Disheveled Elon Musk Announces He Leaving Government Until Something Done About Spiders Crawling Everywhere

‘More!’ Screams Angry Tom Cruise As He Nears Bottom Of Popcorn Bucket

Tulsi Gabbard Thought U.S. Intelligence Apparatus Would Have Access To Way Better Crystals

Trump Accepts Luxury Wienermobile From Kingdom Of Oscarmayerstan

Asterisk Added To Constitution

Trump Assures Nation Pro-Palestinian Protesters Living On Free Speech Farm Upstate

EPA Rule Change Allows Increased Number Of Corpses In U.S. Waterways

Trump Activates Tesla’s Full Self-Driving, Asks To Be Taken “Anywhere But Here”

Elon Musk Calls Emergency DOGE Meeting To Restore Government Funding Of Sperm Collection Cups

Trump Signs Executive Order Designating English As Nation’s Official Muffin

Florida Adds Cucumber & Taco Combo Platter To Cafeteria Menus In Place Of Statewide Sex Education

Federal Judge Blocks Jurisdictional Appeal Of Presidential Order Overruling Congressional Power Of Legislative Action Over Supreme Court Oversight Of Executive Constitutional Supervision

Trump Still Mulling Over List Of Journalists To Dismember

11 ChatGPT Prompts To Help You Dismantle The Federal Government

JD Vance Mar-a-Lago Membership Application Denied

Trump Signs Executive Order Declaring It Totally Normal To Spend 7-9 Hours Per Day On Toilet

Hegseth Suggests Pentagon Could Save Billions By Getting Pitchers Instead Of Individual Beers

RFK Jr Spends Entire Afternoon Explaining To Trump Why Natural Peanut Butter Must Be Stirred

Trump Vows His Administration Will Be First To Send Astronauts To Die Halfway To Mars

Trump Administration Adds ‘Bribes’ Page To Official White House Web Site